Off to the airport? Don't forget the worms in a can and the Beginner's Guide to Travelling by Air, presented by Dave Barry, the officer at Miami International Airport. To help prevent unnecessary airport delays and strangling, consult the Beginner's Guide to Travelling by Air:
When to be at the airport? You should be at the airport already.
How much luggage can you carry on? You can carry one small bag and one medium bag, for a total of two bags. You may not carry on three bags by insisting to airport personnel that one of your bags is not really a bag, as if it is some kind of magical invisible fairy bag that airline personnel cannot see. You also may not carry on a suitcase the size of a sleeper sofa, apparently containing the entire wardrobe of some Broadway production. The fact that your suitcase has wheels does NOT automatically mean that you may carry it on the airplane. A piano also has wheels, but you wouldn't try to take a piano onto a plane, would you?
Prohibited objects? You may not take knives, guns spears, armored personnel carrier, flame-throwers, scary animals or sharp objects. If you know karate or kung fu, you may take your hands on board, but you must keep them clasped tightly under you armpits throughout the flight.
How to go through the security check point? Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove all your possessions from your pockets and put them in a plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your belt, shoes, and pacemakers and put them in another plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your laptop computer and put this in another plastic tray. FOR GOD'S SAKE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID READY. Put everything — trays, bags, children under 2 — on the moving belt. Then stand in a non-terroristic manner until the security person signals to you, at which time, while holding your boarding pass and photo ID up. You should shuffle meekly forward until your pants fall to the floor.
Joking around with the security personnel? Airport security personnel are a whacky and fun-loving group who are bored to death from spending eight hours a day reminding morons to have their boarding passes and photo IDs ready. There is nothing they enjoy more, than a good joke, such as the one where you give the victim a can that says: "peanut-brittle". When he opens it, giant spring loaded worms come shooting out. That always sets off a round of hearty knee slapping at the checkpoint.
To crown it all, if you just use your common sense, waiting in long lines at the airport won't be tough on you.
Off to the airport? — Отправляетесь в аэропорт?
to open a can of worms — попасть в сложную ситуацию (aмер. идиоматическое выражение)
to prevent unnecessary airport delays — предотвратить ненужные промедления в аэропорту
airport personnel — служащие аэропорта
a boarding pass and photo ID — посадочный билет и документ, удостоверяющий личность пассажира, с фотографией
a magical invisible fairy bag — волшебная невидимая сказочная сумка
prohibited objects — запрещенные предметы
a spear (s) — копье, дротик или гарпун
to keep one's arms clasped tight under one's armpits — держать руки крепко сжатыми под мышками
to shuffle meekly — кротко волочить ноги
to remind morons — напоминать «слабоумным»
"peanut-brittle" — легко бьющаяся банка с ореховым маслом